My Journey to Boldness

Motherhood has turned out to be vastly different than I ever thought it would be.  It is full of a love that is so deep and it also brings a level of pain, confusion and frustration that I had not expected when I embarked on this journey in September of 2003.  My sons are a source of amazing joy and love for me.  They also seem to be the place in my life where God is refining and teaching me on a daily basis.  Over the past year I have been on a journey that has brought me to a place in motherhood that I never thought I would be.  Let me try to share some of that journey with you....

I am going to start here....

I know this may seem like a somewhat random picture, but when I look at it I really see the beginning of a journey with our second son, Caleb (he's in the red shirt and black hat).  We were on a Nature Walk in August of 2011 with some friends from church and we were having a great time.  Everyone seemed to be happy.  About half way through the walk, something relatively minor happened with Caleb.  I asked him to come to me and he refused.  I will spare you the play-by-play, but it evolved into an enormous explosion.  Caleb was kicking, hitting, screaming and threatening me.  I was genuinely afraid.  I got him to the car and we were both crying. Caleb had gone through explosions/tantrums before, but they were never this bad.  He was deeply sorry for what he had done and did not seem to understand why he had gotten so angry or why he couldn't control himself.  I was finding myself, yet again, with my head in my hands crying and wondering where I had gone wrong as a mother.  Motherhood was NOT supposed to be like this!
That afternoon I called the Biola University Counseling Center (BCC) and made an appointment for Caleb, my husband and me.  We needed to try to figure out what was going on with our son.  This was a very bold step for me.  I was deciding to put aside my pride and my preconceived notions about motherhood and ask a therapist to help me understand my child.  That may have been the hardest phone call I have ever made in my life.  I mean, hey!, if I was a good mom, I would not need help from a THERAPIST...right?!?
Caleb started play therapy at BCC and was really enjoying it.  He loved going and having time that was just about him...playing and talking with his counselor.  He seemed to be starting to handle his anger better.  Things at school were going OK until I met with his teacher for his Fall report card and she said it..."Do you think Caleb might have ADHD?"  My husband and I inwardly rolled our eyes...we have had people ask us this question multiple times about our active boys.  We blew it off and just decided to press on....Caleb's angry explosions were pressing on too.
Over the next few months, Caleb continued to have explosions.  They would wax and wane some, but they were always brewing under the surface.  I never knew when something, ANYthing, would set him off and he would come unglued.  I was finding myself feeling afraid of saying no to my son...trust me, I did it anyway, but it was often with fear and trepidation.  It was after one of these explosions that I sat down to do some research and found that often "temper tantrums" are a symptom of ADHD.  I did not want to read that...but I kept finding it in many articles that I read.  ADHD has always felt like a cop-out to me.  I always felt like kids with that label were just out-of-control strong willed kids that were not being properly trained and disciplined.  We started talking over this possibility with Caleb's counselor, continued dialoging with his teacher about it, and were paying close attention to his behavior.
There was one day when Caleb was feeling very frustrated about something...I don't even remember what it was...but he was getting really angry.  He was kind of growling and pulling his hair and he said to me, "I feel like I just can't control my brain!"  No one in his life has used that phrase with him...that was completely his own interpretation of how he was feeling and it spoke to my heart.  My son was asking for my help.  He could not understand why he was getting so angry, he hated how it made him feel and he wanted to stop...but he just could not seem to find a way to control it.  That moment was a turning point for me.  I decided that I needed to put aside any misconceptions I had about ADHD, any fear I had of judgement, and I HAD to be bold for my son.  So, we started the process of ADHD testing through Kaiser.  A couple weeks ago Caleb was diagnosed with ADHD.  We started him on medication 5 days ago.  Making the decision to start him on medication was incredibly difficult for me.  I felt like a failure...like I was letting my son down.  I love what my son's teacher said to me about that...she said, "If your son was diabetic would you refuse to give him medication and insist that he control his insulin?"  That really opened my eyes...I had not thought about it like that.  I had always felt like it was us as his parents giving up, not that it was a way that we could give him what he needed.
Caleb has been on the medication for almost a week now and we already see a difference.  He is able to stop and think before he explodes...he still gets angry (for which I am grateful...I don't want a drone for a son), but he is able to process his feelings better and get to a solution more easily than he used to.  He is doing better at school too...he has an easier time following directions and is less impulsive.  My biggest fear about medication was that I would lose my boy...that he would not be his silly, spunky, bouncy self.  That has not happened.  He is still Caleb (whose name means BOLD by the way)...he has just been given a tool that he needed to be able to process his feelings better and have an easier time functioning. 

I never thought that I would have a child with ADHD...honestly I felt like I could somehow keep that from happening.  Now that I have come to a place where I have accepted my son's diagnosis and have him on medication, I see that it is one of the bravest and boldest things I have ever done as a mother.

2 Years in 4 Photos

 Well, hello there!  Obviously I have taken a very long hiatus from this blog.  I have been through a lot over the past couple years and blogging has just not been on my to do list lately.  I am hoping to get back to an occasional post.  Here is what life looked like when I left you....

Here is what my life looks like now....

 

 

My boys have really grown, haven't they?!?  Sometimes I look at them and am just amazed by how they are growing and changing everyday.  They are full of so many blessings and challenges for me.  I hope to get back to sharing some of those times with you soon!